So many talks with good friends lately has left me with so much to think about.
I’m sitting in my apartment right now, 11:30pm at night – just got home from the gym, eating a bowl of chili. I should go to bed, since I have to be up at 6am to get to work early & finish up a project – but I can’t sleep. I have to write this post.
It’s rare that I pour out my heart – I’ve started & stopped so many private blogs just to write out my thoughts – but never shown those to the world (with the exception of a few friends). I want to talk about confidence – and some of the conclusions I’ve come to about the topic.
I’m not your typical American beauty – I’m not skinny, I’m not blonde, I’m not blue-eyed, and I’m just not normal in any sense of the word. I’m curvy, my features are very dark, olive skin from my Persian mom, and a funny nose from my Polish dad. I’m tall but not very graceful, I’m always bumping my head everywhere. I can’t just throw on a pair of 6-inch stilettos and strut down the sidewalk all day long – you better believe there are flats in my purse and they are going on an hour in to the day. I tell lots of jokes – but half the time they aren’t funny and I end up just laughing at myself (and the lack of laughter around me). I can’t afford Chanel handbags and Miu Miu pumps, and I refuse to go into debt in order to purchase them. All in all, I am not a typical fashion blogger.
And I’m not a typical girl. I’m outspoken to the point where I intimidate people, but then shy at other times.. My friends call me crazy – but I think I’m awesome. I am horrible at texting – ask anyone. I have a big heart but I try and brush things off. I cry – a lot (usually alone). I sing way too loud in my shower, I’m obsessed with music, and I’m crying again when a sad song comes on. I’m going to have the craziest laugh-line wrinkles when I’m old because I’m always laughing – so much that my jaw gets sore (don’t go there – you with the dirty mind). I sing, I play the piano, I write poetry, I go out dancing like an idiot with girl friends, I get drunk and make bad decisions, I love calculus and solving equations, I love working too much. I don’t sleep enough. I drink too much coffee.
And yet I love who I am. I mean – I LOVE the person I’ve grown into. I love that I’m weird, that I’m different. I’ve never been at the top of my class and I’ve never been (or will be) a size 2 – but I work my ass off and you better believe that the passion I have for the things I care about is stronger than anyone else in the room. And in a world where so many people just DON’T CARE – about something, ANYTHING – it’s a hard quality to find.
So I’ve come to a point in the post where I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. Why do my readers care about my quirks? Why do they need to know about all my weirdness? And why the hell would they want to know that I love myself? Now I remember…
I’m telling you these things because there are too many people out there who don’t love themselves enough. They think, “if I could just be that…” then everything would be perfect. Or if they could just change this one thing, or this one life event didn’t happen – everyday would be smooth sailing. Well guess what – it doesn’t work like that. Should you have goals? YES. But should you love yourself just the way you are – before achieving them? HELL YES.
A friend once told me, “What you put out there is what you will get back.” So ladies – if you are desperate for a boyfriend, you’ll get a desperate guy back. Or if you are always complaining about the lows in life – you’ll only get lows. And if you put out anxiety and low self-esteem – you’ll only attract people who are the same. Until you believe in yourself – and you believe in the life you are living RIGHT NOW – you’ll won’t be able to get what you want out of it. You can’t work on yourself and becoming a better person if you don’t already believe in the person standing in front of the mirror right now.
Be happy. Smile. Geek out. Act stupid. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh until your gut hurts and challenge your way of thinking. Take chances. Go for the big one – the girl/guy, the job, the life – whatever. Live life like the person you want to be – and you’ll become that person. It’s inevitable.